So, so sorry it took this long to get back to you, I have been offline a lot this week!
It is NOT the case that "it sucks". I did mostly get the beginning, since I had read the first part. And the last few lines do stand well enough to get the meaning across (which is, as popkin said, a really nice, sweet thing). It seems like there could be a very good longer drabble or perhaps short fic in here; as I said, I would really like to see a full version! Writing is a craft like any other, in many ways, and writing to a word limit is not an easy thing.
As for words left out: "Poor" is an adjective, a describing word; without knowing what person or thing is "poor", it's hard to guess what you mean in the fourth line, for instance. It doesn't help that there are a lot of possible meanings for "poor"! The line that starts "I see" is another example of not having enough clues to guess what was left out. Many small joining words are also missing, which makes it sound jerky and disconnected overall.
You should be able to find a beta-reader by asking for one in the comms (the onepieceyaoi comm would probably be a better place to ask than here), or by asking someone who has visibly good English skills by email/private message.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2009-06-21 12:31 am (UTC)It is NOT the case that "it sucks". I did mostly get the beginning, since I had read the first part. And the last few lines do stand well enough to get the meaning across (which is, as popkin said, a really nice, sweet thing). It seems like there could be a very good longer drabble or perhaps short fic in here; as I said, I would really like to see a full version! Writing is a craft like any other, in many ways, and writing to a word limit is not an easy thing.
As for words left out: "Poor" is an adjective, a describing word; without knowing what person or thing is "poor", it's hard to guess what you mean in the fourth line, for instance. It doesn't help that there are a lot of possible meanings for "poor"! The line that starts "I see" is another example of not having enough clues to guess what was left out. Many small joining words are also missing, which makes it sound jerky and disconnected overall.
You should be able to find a beta-reader by asking for one in the comms (the onepieceyaoi comm would probably be a better place to ask than here), or by asking someone who has visibly good English skills by email/private message.
And thanks; I like that icon too. :)