Ill make it somhow(???)

[arelente2.livejournal.com]

hopeless tryhard arent i? hehehe anyways if you dont like just ignore it, after 2 very obvious tries i belive that the drama genre (somehow) but its kinda like a funny thing because it took me about 9 songs to finish this hehehe but then f you have tips on good writing, can i have some (im begging you!!!!)

Title: Untitled (it might take me another batch of songs to think this out)
Rating: PG15 (??)
Word Count: 248
Pairing: Sanji/Zoro/Luffy (how should i explain this....um its a love triangle?)
Topic: Kink (back cramp)


“Oi marimo! Make yourself useful, scratch my back!” Sanji was having a hard time reaching for that spot.
Astonished by the turn of events, the swordsman chooses to scratch to avoid any unnecessary battles, especially if it’s a nice day to take a nap.
Unwary of the watchful eye, cook-san was purring and was obviously releasing pheromones.
Marimos aren’t aware of this projection that much.
“Oi Zoro, whatchadoin?” it was the captain.
“I was scratching Sanji’s back”
The cook was surprised, captain was astonished, marimo however didn’t expect that.
Even in the turmoil of feelings, silence still lingers.
“Oh that’s ----argh!!!!” captain had somehow obtained a mysterious back pain, maybe it was from the last fight, but who knows, the cook-san can easily see a fraud.
“Oi! What happened!?” the ignorant one said.
“I think I’m having back craps, Zoro, massage my back…”
In complete ignorance, the swordsman did what was needed of him and the cook was somewhat forgotten.
In the other end of the deck the cook stood, jealousy was trying to take over but was somewhat contrasted by the rational mind

The cramp might be real since he was somewhat shot during the last battle….

“I’m going..” the cook has finally said.
“Oi, how about the—“
“Doesn’t matter” the cook objected.

The cook has rested himself in the kitchen, comfortable yet useful.

Such a childish move Monkey D. Luffy, I thought you could do better but I wonder why my heart is heavy.

Comments

Re: 3/3

[monimonika.livejournal.com]

Nicely critiqued! Especially appreciated your explanation of Japanese suffix usage. Are you by any chance fluent in Japanese? (I'm half-Japanese and fluent)

I just want to add in some of my own observations. As I was reading and re-reading, I wondered about why the drabble was written the way it was using such words as "astonished" "surprised" "obviously releasing pheromones" "in complete ignorance" etc. Then it hit me. arlente2 was trying to put a manga version of the events, subtle moods, and inner feelings directly into words (especially the moods and feelings).

Let me try to clarify what I mean here. In manga the use of background tones (patterns) are used to express moods/inner-feelings without having to outright declare them in words or obvious actions (ex. scowling face). Viewed in this way, the drabble makes a bit more sense.

Unfortunately, by focusing on the moods and inner feelings so much, the drabble loses its focus on describing what is going on in the physical realm and what the characters are thinking. Converting simple visual cues into text without getting overly wordy and confusing is hard. Instead of attempting to focus on getting the moods/emotions directly across in words, the drabble would've faired better (I think) if the focus were more on physical descriptions of the characters' reactions or just worded out thoughts.

The art here is to let the reader ascribe the appropriate emotion to the situation/thought described. Emotion words are not bad in and of themselves, but they are to be used sparingly, especially when action words (ex. "frowned") can be used more effectively in their place and the subtleties of what an action might really mean can be fleshed out by either subsequent actions or by some worded thought.

I'm not sure anymore if I'm making any sense here. ...oh, now I figure out what the whole point of my blabbering was about. Pretty much what I want to say is that Actions speak louder than words. Let the actions of the characters convey (most of) the emotions. This would result in less words for more emotional impact.

Also, all the other things notwithstanding, I think it would've been better to have the whole "Luffy fakes back pain because he wants Zoro's attention" thing not explained until the end. It would've given the ending a bit more punch.

[aitherion.livejournal.com]

Eh.

Not bad, I guess. I mean, not as good as it could be, sure, but not bad.

Eh.

[arelente2.livejournal.com]

im so tankfull everyone to make soome comments, dont worry ill be the best erotic writer ever!!!! (is it owkie for me to say that???)