i was forced to edit the story
Jan. 16th, 2006 12:41 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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onepieceyaoi100well as the title said i was forced because the whole thing will exeed the word count but then ive posted this along with its other version for your convinence. enjoy! after being said i need to proofread it again i think all i can edit are 2 paragraphs but then if you found any errors, pls tell me and ill do my best, if i can ill do greater. ive edited the story for the second time regarding on uses of tenses, capitalization and periods (damn i cant believe i'm in 4th yr highschool bearly mastering this stuff), oh and some spelling as well (im not good at this) thanks to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
monimonika , and other people who noticed this (bows head) it was great pleasure to be of service!
Title: Biochemistry Chase
Rating: PG-15 (?? im not really good at rating)
Word Count: 299 (safe!!! phew)
Pairing: Zoro/Sanji (other version consists of Zoro/Sanji/Luffy)
Topic: Obsession
Zoro is in-charge of laundry for the crew this time.
He looked at the piles of laundry distinguishing which are from who, only found 3 persons:
Nami, Robin, shitty cook
From the humongous pile of clothing, Zoro grabbed Sanji’s shirt to test against his ungentle hands.
How do I care if it rips itself?
Before he begins, the clothing was “rubbing” itself against him, its silky cloth against his calloused fingers.
A memory appeared in his mind, about a storm that hits Going Merry once, it was a harsh one.
“Oi, marimo! Get off me”
“Shut up shitty cook, if you haven’t gotten in the way, I would’ve never tripped to you!”
“Shut up you two and help! It’s gonna be a rough storm!”
“Wah! Nami-san’s worried face is so cute!!”
At that time, he felt it and smelled it at the same time, he knows it wasn’t Sanji’s perfume or cologne, it’s wired but it was his.
Natural scent.
At that moment he found himself sniffing Sanji’s clothing, memorizing the essence in his mind, making him more delirious…. Obsessed.
“How dare you…. You perverted marimo dog!!!”
“What did you say?!”
When Zoro looked at the perpetrator, a foot was pressed against his face, making him travel to the side of the deck smashing a face against the railing and rendering him unconscious.
Serves you right, marimo…
After a duration of time Zoro woke up with a piece of cloth on his hand that was supposed to be Sanji’s shirt. In it a note said:
You perverted marimo, you survived this time, next time you won’t. Keep it.
However the swordsman was not satisfied with a souvenir.
Someday I’ll catch you, make you mine and satisfied. I’ll yearn for your taste, smell. You will be mine you shitty cook.
Ver 1: (erase paragraphs after “serves you right marimo” part)
Finding himself still hostile, Sanji went to the other side of Going Merry to Luffy’s special seat and stared at the ocean.
Ahhh, sometimes this thing calms me down.
“Oi, Sanji”
“oh, Luffy” Sanji greeted with a special smile.
“I saw what happened out there with Zoro.”
Sanji went back to the usual damm-that-marimo-perverted-guy mood.
“yeah, load of shit”
“hehe, it was kinda funny! Whats for dinner?”
“I’ll think about it later..”
“can I tell you something?”
“sure”
As Luffy took a deep breath, Sanji looked away
Damn this is gonna be long
As the captain made a loooooong speech about the things happened recently about the crew (especially with both of them) he thought about things.
It might be just another staff performance report. That marimo guy… I can’t believe it. Pervert! Serves him right but then again, he might be bleeding to death, this is not good. I must take him to chopper!!!!
“Luffy, sorry must be going now!” he made a run for it.
“—that I liked you a lot Sanji.”
Not only did his heart freeze, it fell as well.
“What did you say?! YOU STUPID GOMU-PERVERT!!!!”
“I said I li------.“
From a distant island a boy wearing a straw hat reached a very breathtaking projectile that almost reached space, unfortunately, they can’t congratulate him because the x-axis is not proportional to the y. in short its height is not proportional to the range the projectile traveled.
Zoro ran to the kitchen while Ussop from the mast plunged in and helped Luffy who is currently sinking in the ocean.
“Nami-swan! Where is the nearest island!? Tell me!”
“It’s northwest 3 miles from here.”
“Thanks.”
Sanji ran away, before Nami could ask a splash was heard in the ships northwest side.
“Cook-san looks worried.”
“He’s showing severe mental stress,” doctor-san said.
“SANJI-KUN!! WHERE ARE YOU HEADED!!” a voice was heard from outside.
“TO THE NEXT ISLAND!” cook-san replied while robin and chopper went to the deck for a clear view of a man who already swam 30 meters away from Going Merry.
Nami clenched a fist in total anger.
Luffy and Zoro better prepare themselves. Its gonna be a long night.
______________________________________
so how was it, pls post your comments, thank you
original title was: Natural Sent VS Cosmetic Sent
monimonika , and other people who noticed this (bows head) it was great pleasure to be of service!Title: Biochemistry Chase
Rating: PG-15 (?? im not really good at rating)
Word Count: 299 (safe!!! phew)
Pairing: Zoro/Sanji (other version consists of Zoro/Sanji/Luffy)
Topic: Obsession
Zoro is in-charge of laundry for the crew this time.
He looked at the piles of laundry distinguishing which are from who, only found 3 persons:
Nami, Robin, shitty cook
From the humongous pile of clothing, Zoro grabbed Sanji’s shirt to test against his ungentle hands.
How do I care if it rips itself?
Before he begins, the clothing was “rubbing” itself against him, its silky cloth against his calloused fingers.
A memory appeared in his mind, about a storm that hits Going Merry once, it was a harsh one.
“Oi, marimo! Get off me”
“Shut up shitty cook, if you haven’t gotten in the way, I would’ve never tripped to you!”
“Shut up you two and help! It’s gonna be a rough storm!”
“Wah! Nami-san’s worried face is so cute!!”
At that time, he felt it and smelled it at the same time, he knows it wasn’t Sanji’s perfume or cologne, it’s wired but it was his.
Natural scent.
At that moment he found himself sniffing Sanji’s clothing, memorizing the essence in his mind, making him more delirious…. Obsessed.
“How dare you…. You perverted marimo dog!!!”
“What did you say?!”
When Zoro looked at the perpetrator, a foot was pressed against his face, making him travel to the side of the deck smashing a face against the railing and rendering him unconscious.
Serves you right, marimo…
After a duration of time Zoro woke up with a piece of cloth on his hand that was supposed to be Sanji’s shirt. In it a note said:
You perverted marimo, you survived this time, next time you won’t. Keep it.
However the swordsman was not satisfied with a souvenir.
Someday I’ll catch you, make you mine and satisfied. I’ll yearn for your taste, smell. You will be mine you shitty cook.
Ver 1: (erase paragraphs after “serves you right marimo” part)
Finding himself still hostile, Sanji went to the other side of Going Merry to Luffy’s special seat and stared at the ocean.
Ahhh, sometimes this thing calms me down.
“Oi, Sanji”
“oh, Luffy” Sanji greeted with a special smile.
“I saw what happened out there with Zoro.”
Sanji went back to the usual damm-that-marimo-perverted-guy mood.
“yeah, load of shit”
“hehe, it was kinda funny! Whats for dinner?”
“I’ll think about it later..”
“can I tell you something?”
“sure”
As Luffy took a deep breath, Sanji looked away
Damn this is gonna be long
As the captain made a loooooong speech about the things happened recently about the crew (especially with both of them) he thought about things.
It might be just another staff performance report. That marimo guy… I can’t believe it. Pervert! Serves him right but then again, he might be bleeding to death, this is not good. I must take him to chopper!!!!
“Luffy, sorry must be going now!” he made a run for it.
“—that I liked you a lot Sanji.”
Not only did his heart freeze, it fell as well.
“What did you say?! YOU STUPID GOMU-PERVERT!!!!”
“I said I li------.“
From a distant island a boy wearing a straw hat reached a very breathtaking projectile that almost reached space, unfortunately, they can’t congratulate him because the x-axis is not proportional to the y. in short its height is not proportional to the range the projectile traveled.
Zoro ran to the kitchen while Ussop from the mast plunged in and helped Luffy who is currently sinking in the ocean.
“Nami-swan! Where is the nearest island!? Tell me!”
“It’s northwest 3 miles from here.”
“Thanks.”
Sanji ran away, before Nami could ask a splash was heard in the ships northwest side.
“Cook-san looks worried.”
“He’s showing severe mental stress,” doctor-san said.
“SANJI-KUN!! WHERE ARE YOU HEADED!!” a voice was heard from outside.
“TO THE NEXT ISLAND!” cook-san replied while robin and chopper went to the deck for a clear view of a man who already swam 30 meters away from Going Merry.
Nami clenched a fist in total anger.
Luffy and Zoro better prepare themselves. Its gonna be a long night.
______________________________________
so how was it, pls post your comments, thank you
original title was: Natural Sent VS Cosmetic Sent
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-01-16 04:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-16 03:21 am (UTC)That was really nice though.^____^
no subject
Date: 2006-01-16 04:05 pm (UTC)Some real pointers
Date: 2006-01-17 03:46 am (UTC)1) Words at the beginning of sentences need to be capitalized. This should be obvious.
2) You're switching between past and present tenses again. Pick one and stick with it.
3) How do I care if it rips itself?
Now, this may just be some kind of colloquial speech thing that I'm not aware of. So if that's the case, feel free to call me on it.
I think a better sentence would be, "Why should I care if it rips?"
4) "oi, marimo! Get of me" =} "Oi, marimo! Get off me!"
5) Natural sent. =} Natural scent
You've got to watch out for these kind of words that spellchecker won't catch for you.
6) Serves you right marimo... =} Serves you right, marimo.
7) After duration of time... =} After a duration of time...
8) You will be mine you shitty cook. =} You will be mine, you shitty cook.
For the extra part of the drabble:
9) An awful lot of these sentences are missing periods at the ends.
10) Ahhh sometimes this thing calms me down =} Ahhh, sometimes this thing calms me down.
11) "hehe it was kinda funny! Whats for dinner" =} "Hehe, it was kinda funny! What's for dinner?"
12) As Luffy took a deep breath. Sanji looked away =} As Luffy took a deep breath, Sanji looked away.
13) Damm -> Damn
14) ...he made run for it =} ...he made a run for it.
15) Not only did heart froze, it fell as well. =} Not only did his heart freeze, it fell as well.
"His heart did freeze" and "His heart froze" are both past tense, did you know that? My younger sister also has this problem of placing the past tense form of a verb after using "did" (which is not correct). You have to use the present tense form of the verb with "did".
16) ...that almost reached space, unfortunately for the people ,... =} ...that almost reached space. Unfortunately for the people,...
17) ...Ussop from the mass plunged in...
Mass?
18) Where is the nearest island!!!!
You need a question mark somewhere in there. Plus, the amount of exclamation marks is overkill. Especially since the sentence doesn't seem that significant compared to the surrounding sentences.
19)...I can't find anymore that I'm sure enough to type about.
Phew! That was long! Anyway, I really loved this line:
Before he starts, the clothing wa-
Scratch that, let me fix it up for myself:
Before he began, the clothing was "rubbing" itself against him, its silky cloth against his calloused fingers.
Mmmm, the ZoSan is strong here. *approves*
Re: Some real pointers
Date: 2006-01-17 04:55 pm (UTC)Re: Some real pointers
Date: 2006-01-17 05:10 pm (UTC)Re: Some real pointers
Date: 2006-01-18 12:06 pm (UTC)Agree with proof-reading. I usually write without thinking as well, so I guess I understand how annoying it is. But it helps a lot, and it makes reading easier for anyone else (since you probably know what you want to write already).
And if you want to link to a lj-user, here's another way:
[lj user="monimonika"]
Which would appear as
Re: Some real pointers
Date: 2006-01-18 06:42 pm (UTC)