I blame the fever.

[plotbunny-tiff.livejournal.com]

I feel like crap, so this is what I do to make myself feel better...write off topic drabbles.

Title: The Spice Rack
Pairing: Sanji, Zoro, Usopp
Rating: PG 
Word Count: 180
Topic: None (*FAIL*)
A/N: From the same universe as Sanzo Is Metal, but you don't need to read that to read this. Thanks to chibi_trillian for coming up with this thing.

It was motorized, quadruple-layered, double-sided and chromed, with seven racks on each layer, an LCD display, and a mood enhancing light in the middle that changed colors randomly. Each rack held twelve bottles, six on each side, each one filled with various herbs and spices and neatly labeled in an easy to read font.

 

The five disc CD changer in the top also had an AM/FM radio and a port for MP3 players. It was the grand mother-fucker of all spice racks, beyond Sanji’s wildest wet dream. And it was his, financed by Zoro and personally built for him by one very smug Usopp as a belated birthday gift.  

 

The chef stared up at the behemoth monstrosity from where he’d fallen to his knees on the kitchen floor. The display flashed a wink at him, scrolled “Hello Dave”, and began playing Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony. Zoro and Usopp flashed each other matching grins of evil behind his back. This guaranteed them at least two years worth of various mischiefs, with minimal bitching. Really, it was the gift that kept on giving.

Title: The List
Pairing: Sanji, Kaya, SanZo, potential Red Shirt Trio ^_^
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 385 (*DOUBLE FAIL*)
Topic: Duh...er...none.
A/N: Same as above. 

“Do you find Usopp attractive?” Kaya queried pleasantly over her cup of French roast. Sanji miraculously managed to prevent coffee from spewing out of his nose. As he swallowed and desperately tried to think of an appropriate response that wouldn’t get him turned into a med lab experiment, Kaya calmly continued her random train of thought.

 

“Don’t be afraid to be honest. I know you love Zoro—yes you do, don’t give me that look—and Usopp is my heart and soul. But if you did…well, that would be alright with me.” A merry gleam danced in her eyes. Sanji collected himself, straightened his tie, and tried to slip into his “metro-sexual man of the world” routine.

 

“Ahem. Why’d you ask?” Because I’m really going to tell you that I’ve admired the junk in your husband’s trunk once or twice. Sure.

 

“You and Zoro are on his List. It’s something we learned about on the couple’s retreat we went on last week. We each have a list of people that the other one wouldn’t mind if we slept with. And well—you two are the only ones that made the final cut.”

 

Sanji’s eyebrow nearly climbed into his hairline. “I-I’m flattered. Hmm. Um…why? I mean, why me-I mean, us? Really? He said—huh. Yes. Why? And you’re ok?”

 

“He’s so close to you both, I sometimes work demanding hours at the hospital, and he can get lonely. Also, I trust you. So if it ever came up,” she patted him on the knee and smiled, “I wanted you to know that it’s alright with me.”

 

Sanji ran a finger around his collar, reminding himself that he was in the presence of a lady, and that popping a random erection would be unforgivably rude. “That’s…fascinating. I—uh—thank you. It’s generous of you…we’ll try not to let you down?” He truly was at a loss for words, so he tried to deflect the conversation a little. “So,” he leaned forward and grinned at her, oozing as much charm as he could muster. “Any chance I could guess at who’s on your List?”

 

Kaya giggled and swatted at him playfully. “Now now, Sanji, a girl has to keep some secrets.” She winked at him and reached for a plate covered in pastries. “Care for another mikan tart?”

Title: Can We Keep Him?
Pairing: implied SanZo, Usopp, ?
Rating: PG
Word Count: 318 (*KEEP THIS UP AND WE'RE CALLING YOUR MOM*)
Topic: First Impressions? (*shot*)
A/N: Ditto. 

It would have been immensely cute, almost greeting card adorable, except anything that tried to mix Zoro and cute usually ended up become sort of creepy. In this case, it came across as confusing and slightly pathetic.

 

Zoro was standing in Sanji’s freshly cleaned kitchen, holding a bandaged deer in front of him like a furry bomb with a hair trigger. Usopp peered down at it, scratching his chin. “And you decided to keep it? Sanji’s going to kill you, man.” The deer sniffled and made a soft mewly noise.

 

“But I almost killed it,” Zoro tried to explain for the third time. “I hit it with my truck. I owe it something now. Besides, the vet said it won’t really grow any bigger than this. All the crap it was eating in the waste dump near Arlong Park was like, mutating it.”  

 

“Wow…hey, maybe you can train it, use it like a guard deer! I saw one of those once on Animal Planet. They rescued a bunch of reindeer from a Santa Village that doubled as an underground buck-fighting ring. There was one that had antlers so big he could spear a grown man and throw him forty feet into the air.”

 

Zoro fingered the metal ring that held the reindeer’s fuzzy, broken antler together. He doubted that this little thing would be much use against intruders. He had to give it credit though; it was a tough little bugger. The vet said it should have died long ago, head-first meetings with speeding pickup trucks aside. Besides, how metal would it be to have a bad-ass reindeer as a pet?

 

“Got a name?” Usopp asked, stroking the soft fur above its nose and watching it wriggle in delight. Zoro scrunched his face in thought. “His antlers look like handlebars. Maybe Chopper…that seems like a brutal sort of name.”

 

The freshly named Chopper wagged its tail with approval.

Comments

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

Chopper=handlebars.
Metalhead!Zoro.
Chopshop spicerack.

You're insane. I like you!

[plotbunny-tiff.livejournal.com]

Why thanks, I like you too, though I liked you before you said you liked me. I had a little notebook with "Tiff <3 Maldoror 4eva" scribbles in it and everything. ^_^

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, that is strong evidence *impressed*

Okay, I accept that you liked me first, but...but I like you more! So there!

(...and thus we conclude the scientific study of what too much tea does to Maldoror.)

[chibi-trillian.livejournal.com]

THE SPICERACK LIVES. *expires of joy*

Also, Kaya/Nami is mysteriously hot. I bet Usopp spent about half of that day at the couples' retreat quietly nosebleeding in a corner.

XD CHOPPER. And Zoro with a big bad pickup truck that I just BET Sanji makes him go to the grocery store in, and god help Zoro if the produce gets bruised from rolling around in the truck bed. XD

[plotbunny-tiff.livejournal.com]

Zoro scratched the back of his head, wondering how Sanji managed to turn that particular shade of purple without bursting a blood vessel in his head.

"Don't I get points for remembering to keep the eggs and bread in the front seat this time?"

Chopper nudged him with a horn, as if to say Run, Big Green, run before the predator catches your scent. I'll hold him off for as long as I can.

[yuki-kokoro.livejournal.com]

XDDD "Run, Big Green, run before the predator catches your scent." XDDD *has said that outloud twice now, and can't stop laughing* God, I love you so much.

[fieryredqueen.livejournal.com]

oh man...does zoro have a monster truck? i can just picture it. although moster truck tires would lift the body so far off the road it probably wouldn't have hit chopper. hee, chopper IS a brutal sort of name. this universe is so amusing.

[plotbunny-tiff.livejournal.com]

I bet he'd have no problem owning a monster truck, except then he wouldn't be able to park in most places because of clearance levels.

He does have a rather sweet pair of rims, though. At least, he did before they got dented by antlers. ;_;

[dethorats]

XD

Oh my goodness, the spice rack. It sounds so freaking METAL! And evil.
And mmm, Ms. Kaya is my kind of lady, so nice to her Usopp and to herself.

And a final line of incoherence...CHOPPER! I bet they all sit around and watch AMERICAN CHOPPER together and hope for fights and/or wish they had those bikes.

[yuki-kokoro.livejournal.com]

Mother f'ing ICON LOVE! *stares and giggles*

[plotbunny-tiff.livejournal.com]

You are correct ^_^. Then again, they also sit around and watch Top Chef, hoping for the exact same thing. Zoro swears up and down that one of them is bound to snap and start cutting up the other contestants for soup stock.

And yes. Kaya rules. ^_^

[fenm.livejournal.com]

These are great. Poor Sanji, his Spice Rack is mental... ^_^
I do have a comment about the second story: In the description, you say, "potential Red Shirt Trio", but wouldn't that include Luffy? Am I misunderstanding the lingo?
Yay Chopper! Yay Zoro's truck! Awww.. ^_^

[plotbunny-tiff.livejournal.com]

^_^ I'm glad you liked it!

As for the second story description, the Red Shirt Trio is my pet name for Zoro/Sanji/Usopp, based off of stories called Worth a Thousand Words and No Words Required, written by paperpencil and ptps respectively. They can be found on opyaoi. In it, Sanji has a red shirt that acts like...well, a red flag in front of two horny bulls ^_^ Go read, fantastic stuff.

Please forgive my generic description and severely lacking html skills.

[plotbunny-tiff.livejournal.com]

I think Nami has turned her to the yaoi Dark Side of the force or something. ^_^ Besides, Kaya loves her man...and she'd probably want pics. For emotional blackmail mood enchancement material. ^_^;;

I pity the fool who messes with da Chopper. ^_^

[plotbunny-tiff.livejournal.com]

Nooo don't die! You are too awesome to die!

(We got the package in the mail today, btw...fricking postal service nearly destroyed it. Luckily, only one thing was missing. But still, thank you thank you thank you for sending it, omg it was so tasty!!!)

[kotszok.livejournal.com]

oh God you make me so happy.

The display flashed a wink at him, scrolled “Hello Dave”, and began playing Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony. OMGGG ALSO WHY DAVE HAHAHA

KJHFDGAKLFDHGKFHGJKFDALHGJAFD FUCK I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW AND ZORO AND OH MY GOD I LVOE YOU.

[plotbunny-tiff.livejournal.com]

Thank you, but enjoy your food. ^_^

"Hello Dave" is a reference from a movie called "2001: A space odessy" where the computer ( a HAL 9000) in a spacecraft goes haywire. The hero (an astronaut) who must shut the computer down and save the day is named Dave.

I'm lame. Sue me.

But I'm glad you're happy.

[plotbunny-tiff.livejournal.com]

::stands proudly:: WHO DARES DEFY ME?

...or was that supposed to be defiled? Either works, really.

But hey, I get a good dose of Laney-love, which makes it all worthwile. Even if it is illegal in twelve countries. ^_~

[ptps.livejournal.com]

popping a random erection would be unforgivably rude

I SNORTED MY CHEESE UP MY NOSE.

AND OMGGGGGG THE CHOPPER ONE. THE CHOPPER ONE. SO ADORABLE ERTUSRDYDJDXTRYDT

[plotbunny-tiff.livejournal.com]

Wtf, was it actual cheese, or merely a liquid cheese-food product?!

Either way, I'm soooooorrrrrrryyyy. Don't snort cheese. ;_;

I'm glad you thought it was cute though. Squee! ^_^

[cptn-shinigami.livejournal.com]

Of course Sanji's on Kaya's List! Along with Nami, Zoro and the strap-on! XD

*brainmelts*

Oh please! please! please! Encore! *Applaudes*

[plotbunny-tiff.livejournal.com]

::points:: SEE! SEE! There was a direct request! ::insert evil laugh::

As you wish...^___^ (and thank you!)

[cptn-shinigami.livejournal.com]

You're most welcome.

And should I fear potentially deadly flying objects for daring to mention Nami, Kaya and strap-ons in the same sentence as Zoro and Sanji?

Oh my... *clutches head* Should I really be trying to contemplate the wrongness of that...or that I actually find great enjoyment from that concept? @_@

On a lighter note, Sanji being topped by Kaya...Priceless.

[yuki-kokoro.livejournal.com]

Not that I don't want you to be healthy and happy, and not that I wouldn't do anything (*leers*) in my power to help you get that way... But... SO GLAD YOU WROTE THESE. FORGIVE ME FOR TAKING JOY IN YOUR SICKNESS.

THE METAL SPICE RACK! FLUSTERED SANJI! CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER! (second time I've done that this morning, this gives me the same feeling of Chopper!love the newest page of Legends does.) THE LITTLE DEER ZORO HIT WITH A TRUCK! ("I owe it something now." XD Oh, Zoro.) IT'S PERFECT!

*cuddles you*

[plotbunny-tiff.livejournal.com]

You are forgiven, but only because you leered so well. ^_^

And wow...I never thought my poor little Chopper could touch anywhere near the level of cute that Chopperfish has...that is hardcore jawdropping cute right there. Thank you so much for the high complement! ^_^

[takatohedgehog.livejournal.com]

LOVE! So much love for all three! Especially The List. *nudges Kaya* May I see the list? (*rps Usopp too constantly*)

CHOOOOPPAA~ *squees and nuzzles* Hahah~ Arlong Park near a waste dump.
Zoro: I owe it something now. *brain implodes from ZoCho fangirl*

MOAR! I demand MOAR!

[plotbunny-tiff.livejournal.com]

Yay! I'm so glad you liked it! And a cookie to you for commenting on my mean little Arlong Park joke.

Fear not! "Moar" is on the way!