I'm sorry, I couldn't resist!

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

Title: Kindergarten of Evil
Pairing: Lucci/Kaku
Rating: PG13 for crack and homocidal mentality.
Word Count: 300
Topic: Kids

AN: Sequel a few months down the line to the Happy Families piece o' crack. *creeps away*

(I, um, borrowed, Spandex-kun from emeraldlarunya. It was just such a good name for the third generation of government lackeys. Sorry! I can change the name if you want. Spandam Junior? Spanda? Panda? Upananda?)



"Yes, I'm sure I'm 'up to it'", sniffed Omata-sensei, internally adding 'since I have a list of qualifications longer than your nose.'

"Good," said Kaku, opening the door. "Because they can be quite a handful-"

"Your hellion cheated, Lucci!"

"Your puppy's weak, Jyabura. Must run in the family."

"What?!"

"Are these parents?" Omata-sensei asked, hoping Kaku would answer 'No, they're just two lunatics who wandered into the classroom, I'll remove them immediately.' In Omata-sensei's experience, children were manageable, parents were usually the problem.

"Lucci, Jyabura, break it up, the teacher's here."

"Him?" Jyabura scowled. "We should've hired a drill instructor. That pansy won't last the day."

Time to demonstrate a teacher's worth, it seemed. Omata-sensei sternly addressed the two mussed-up children, one sporting a nosebleed. "Boys. Fighting fixes nothing."

That riveted the attention of every adult and child in the private classroom.

"Dad, is this guy for real?" one tyke finally asked.

"Yeah, Kaku, is this guy for real?"

"Give him a chance, Jyabura."

"Are your mother and father here?" Omata-sensei asked the other child. Time for a PTA meeting now.

"Don't have none," the boy bit back. "Not real ones. Just those two."

Omata-sensei, confused, looked at where the child was pointing. "Those...two?"

"Yeah. Kaku takes care of me. Lucci teaches me how to fight so one day I can kill him."

"Promising, isn't he?" said Kaku proudly. Lucci smiled with cold approval.

Before he could answer, Omata-sensei was bowled over by a pink-haired girl jabbing at her rotund abdomen with a ruler. "S'pukutekkai! S'pukutekkai! Daddy, you do it! It's funnier!"

"Yoyoiiiii, daughter! Trrrragic atonement is not funny-"

"You knocked over Spandex-kun," added a blonde woman, following the child in. "Apologize once he's finished crying to his daddy that he wants us all arrested."


...Omata-sensei didn't last the day.




END


Incidentally, if you caught a whiff of Kumadori/Kalifa in there, you are not smoking anything dubious, it was intentional and all sasori_katana and nirsicle's fault. YOU TWO KNOW WHY!

(I'll stop spamming now, I swear)

Comments

[dark-kaomi.livejournal.com]

He was doomed as soon as he said that phrase. CP9 kids, oh the apocalypse is coming, I can see it!

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the four horsement of the apocalypse can pull over and go have a beer, THESE four are the end of the world as we know it.

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

Iruka would be just about the only teacher who'd stand a chance ^^; Glad you liked it!

[saiyako.livejournal.com]

Iruka, huh...? *thinks for a moment*

*comes to senses and stabs teh evil crossover plotbunnies*

[travellyr.livejournal.com]

BAH HA HA HA HA. It's even funnier if you add in the "We Had Sense Beaten Into Us By Naruto" phenomenon. XD!

[saiyako.livejournal.com]

*blinks* Oh. Suddenly that thought is very, very scary... XD

[travellyr.livejournal.com]

*gasping and giggling*
Oh, dear lord. XD That teacher NEVER STOOD A CHANCE. Now, a teacher who'd either 1. had kids, or 2. raised attack dogs would've. X3
There probably isn't a lot of difference with this lot.

Kumadori and his daughter and Kalifa talking about Spandex-kun was the funniest part. XD And since the little girl is Kumadori and Kalifa's spawn..... XD Enies Lobby is in big, big trouble.

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

The WORLD is in big trouble once that kid's past puberty - hell, all of them, really. And yes, Kaku did try his best but he should have followed Jyabura's suggestion and gone with a drill instructor.

[travellyr.livejournal.com]

YES. I like to think I could've outlasted that teacher, but I'm under no illusions. I might outlast Mr. Fighting-Solves-Nothing, but those kids would've destroyed me by sunset. Because they're all better at biting than I am and hit harder than I do.

[saiyako.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I love it. Kumadori's daughter is awesome, and so is the foundling's blithe explanation of how Lucci's training him to kill him, and the teacher's stupid, stupid line about fighting... it's all perfect!

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

Thanks ^__^ Well, in the teacher's defence, that's what most people in his profession would say, and he hadn't been adequately prepared for the job...

[saiyako.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah, I'm not saying the teacher is stupid... just that it was a stupid thing to say in that context, even if he couldn't have known that it was... someone didn't happen to skimp on his preparation deliberately, did they? I wonder...

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

I don't think Kaku would be that cruel, but CP9 is a secret agency so details must have been limited until the teacher arrived on site. Then Kaku started the conversation with "This is going to be one hell of a job, I'm afraid. Um, have you ever worked with difficult children before? Or possibly penitentiary convicts?" and after that Omata-sensei was so incensed his qualifications were being doubted that he didn't listen closely to anything Kaku was actually saying *snicker* ^_~

[sparkestra.livejournal.com]

*Cackles uproariously* Oh that was superb, I can see it all so clearly! Kumadori/Kalifa's daughter imitating his Seppuku/Tekkai combination had me stitches - I have caught myself wondering before how any child would react to this (and whether Kumadori would ever get told off for doing it in front of the kids).

*Flaps* Keep Spandex-kun's name! By all means! The line of "spandas" must be maintained!

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks for letting me continue using the Spanda lineage! This topic seems to have unleashed a whole new and strangely defined generation of CP9...

Kumadori cannot hold back from trrrragic attonment when it's called for, though I imagine Kalifa's smacked him in the head (with 500 douriki smacks) to get him to stop doing it in front of their daugther 'or she'll be getting strange ideas'.

[nilly-chan.livejournal.com]

My icon is still oh so very correct, but we love it x'D

The terror the agents are unleashing upon this earth in unphantomable x'D Kalifa/Kumadori (yes, that order was deliberate) is like, the OTP x'D

And this is definately better than what I pictured to the "Jyabura's spawn meeting new kid"-theme XD (my version involved kiddy-questions, a Kumadori who was just trying to help and Kaku suddenly finding himself as the mother of 5).

Y'know... I almost want to draw something for this... just because it's awesome x'D

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

A picture? Oooh, that would be love ^__^

Insanity runs throughout this fandom, but then again, what do we expect :P

[hinas-otaku.livejournal.com]

Brilliant! <3

Jyabura's pups are there, Lucci and Kaku's little foundling is there, the gauntlet that is Spandex-kun has been bravely picked up and there's even a baby Kumadori!!

Now I want to see this extended in the style of your "Hot Seat" fic...

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

Lol, yeah, if I had the inspiration, it would be amusing to see how well the drill instructor fares...I imagine he'll last longer, but will have a nervous breakdown after the first week.

[hinas-otaku.livejournal.com]

And then will come a string of increasingly more hopeless individuals as they scrape the barrel even lower to find someone who can handle this lot...

And then Kaku will do it.

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

Lol!

...It would be fun to see those rascals shape *right up* once they have a teacher they can't outdo. One who can not only hurl chalk with utmost precision but can chip brick with it :P

...

[horusguard76.livejournal.com]

And to think that I didn't really take any interest in CP9 before the day your stories crashed into my life and now I am hooked. Badly.

Am I already that disturbed or is it your great talent... but Kaku's and Lucci's understanding of the art of parenting makes absolute sense to me?! Love Kumadori's daughter try of seppuku, too. lol

Your stories have that certain sexy wit one could fall for. (female here, but I LOVE intelligent fanfiction and yours definitely is.)

Re: ...

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, I think Kaku and Lucci's parenting style makes sense within the realm of CP9. Which is utterly deranged as far as the real world is concerned. The rest of them aren't any better...Glad you liked it! My warped dry humour invades every fic I write, even the most serious, I can't seem to stop it, but yeah, I hear you about intelligent fiction...

[beanchan.livejournal.com]

We're all doomed....

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

Verily...The next generation of CP9 will be even worse than the current one at this rate.

[nirsicle.livejournal.com]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. >_> (Yaaaay, KumadorixKalifa spawn! ♥ <33)I lol'ed very hard over this. XDD Poor teacher! And Lucci raising the kid so that he could kill him... That's just amazing.

"Apologize once he's finished crying to his daddy that he wants us all arrested."

That line had me in stitches for some reason. That is something that Spandex-kun would do... XD Or anyone in the Spanda- bloodline.

Ah, if you don't mind, I'm wanting to write up a drabble using your version of CP9 spawnlets. X3 The insanity is too great. (Question: Gender of the puppies? I see that one of them is a boy. 8D)

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

OOoooh please do write it ^__^ That'd be awesome! In this instance, there's just one puppy (I actually hadn't intended this as a continuation of that absolute crack of Jyabura's puppies, this was a kid he had when Gyatharine FINALLY relented :P But hey, if you want it to make it a Smoker/Jyabura puppy, that'd be even crackier!)

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

KNOCKED OUT YOUR SANITY AND ROBBED YOU OF YOUR LOWERCASE KEYS APPARENTLY! ;)

[runic-binary.livejournal.com]

*chokes*

...I'll be in my bunk. ¬_¬

You scare me but ilu. ♥

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

ilu2 ^__^ Don't worry, it'll be a few years before they're all grown up and wreaking havoc.

[jaefire.livejournal.com]

:( The link to "Happy Families" has gone all "404, File Not Found." Oh, the sadness!!!

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

Which link?

The prequel to this piece o' crack can be found here: http://community.livejournal.com/onepieceyaoi100/758564.html