(no subject)

[arelente2.livejournal.com]

Title: I Went To See You
Rating: PG 13
Word Count: 100
Pairing: implied Zoro + Sanji
Topic: Missed Connections?
Notes: Part two of this. Still alternate universe... I was thinking of New York and Annie Leibovitz.



Looks like a Hirst vs. Murakami special.

Took a last whiff my cigarette and contemplated story to Robin.

Stupid algae went in rambling about me and a male model. We fought and he was in the hospital with stitches and stuff.

Poor

“Dad. Why not blame Peta?” Luffy asked.

“Good idea.”

Hes 19 now and still donned in red and denim, just like the way I left him then.

“Your mom?”

“In Vegas”

“I see. Holidays and sorry for not picking you up. Something in mind?”

“He always jealous?”

“Yes.”

“Why love him?”

“I just do. What now?”

“Got meat?”

__________

Thanks.
----------------
Now playing: Madonna - Lucky Star
http://foxytunes.com/artist/madonna/track/lucky+star

Comments

[popkin16]

Aw. The first part was so sad!

[arelente2.livejournal.com]

Thanks. What do you think about this one though?

[popkin16]

It was cute -- I especially loved the ending!

[bronzetigress.livejournal.com]

I had difficulty following this, and would be interested to see a version with all the words left in and all the thoughts completed. As it is, too many of the wrong words are missing -- unnecessarily, in this comm, which has a limit of 300 words per entry -- and there are punctuation issues as well. Overall, it reads as if English is not your first language. If so, congratulations for attempting a drabble, which is tricky even for a fluent speaker. However, it's difficult to give any useful suggestions for improvement when I can't figure out what the meaning is supposed to be. This is definitely something that can be improved with time, practice, and good instruction (a teacher and/or competent beta-reader). In the meantime, you're probably safer not trying to be quite so brief.

Also, two vocabulary pointers:
1) "whiff" refers to smelling something, by inhaling through the nose, such as a flower's scent; there are better terms to use for the way one inhales cigarette smoke (which goes through the mouth), and
2) "to don" something is "to put it on"; the process of donning an item stops once everything is in place and all the necessary fasteners are fastened. After that, you are wearing the item, or dressed in it, or some other accurate and appropriate term.

[arelente2.livejournal.com]

Did I suck that bad?!

You are correct. English is not my first language, I have poor practice, and I lack a mentor/instructor/beta-reader/ or whatever authority that can critique.

I do believe that you are lost because this drabble won't stand alone without the first part and the notes attached to it. There where some opportunities that where wasted in the first line.

What do you mean about too many wrong words are missing? I appreciate your time and effort though.

Nice icon.

[bronzetigress.livejournal.com]

So, so sorry it took this long to get back to you, I have been offline a lot this week!

It is NOT the case that "it sucks". I did mostly get the beginning, since I had read the first part. And the last few lines do stand well enough to get the meaning across (which is, as popkin said, a really nice, sweet thing). It seems like there could be a very good longer drabble or perhaps short fic in here; as I said, I would really like to see a full version! Writing is a craft like any other, in many ways, and writing to a word limit is not an easy thing.

As for words left out: "Poor" is an adjective, a describing word; without knowing what person or thing is "poor", it's hard to guess what you mean in the fourth line, for instance. It doesn't help that there are a lot of possible meanings for "poor"! The line that starts "I see" is another example of not having enough clues to guess what was left out. Many small joining words are also missing, which makes it sound jerky and disconnected overall.

You should be able to find a beta-reader by asking for one in the comms (the onepieceyaoi comm would probably be a better place to ask than here), or by asking someone who has visibly good English skills by email/private message.

And thanks; I like that icon too. :)